


Sometimes Jack Does Things By the Book

by Eldabe



Series: Happy Fic Collection [4]
Category: Torchwood
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-16
Updated: 2011-05-16
Packaged: 2017-10-19 11:43:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/200463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eldabe/pseuds/Eldabe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rhys tags along with the team to pick up a stranded alien, and gets to witness Jack explaining some basic human cultural norms. Like clothes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sometimes Jack Does Things By the Book

**Author's Note:**

> Written for my own mini-[Happy Fic Fest.](http://eldarwannabe.livejournal.com/120959.html)
> 
> [Iceshade](iceshade.livejournal.com) requested "Jack, Ianto, Gwen and Rhys find an alien tentacle plant. Jack flirts with it. Rhys is scandalized. Other stuff happens (like it trying to molest Jack)."
> 
> The original post can be found on livejournal [here](http://eldarwannabe.livejournal.com/120959.html?thread=232831#t232831)

"So, this is a typical night, then?"

 _"Shhhhh."_ The three of them trying to shush Rhys was probably louder than anything he could say on his own, but it was still a little frustrating to have him along on these sorts of missions anyway.

"Straight ahead," Ianto whispered, pointing for emphasis. They were following the little blinky light on Ianto's modified PDA. "Possibly sentient, it's unclear."

Jack went first, pushing aside some brush and approaching the clearing. The plant was clearly alien, large and pulsating and yellow-blue. Jack tilted his head, and the tentacles waved back at him. Ianto tapped the screen on the PDA. Sentience still inconclusive.

"Well, _hello_ there," Jack said, approaching the plant with his hands up and non-threatening.

One of the tentacles twitched at him, then poked him in the chest. Jack got his _Hello-I'm-The-Captain-Jack-Harkness_ grin.

"Welcome to Earth. Home of humans and a few other things. I'm Captain Jack Harkness, and this is my team. And Rhys."

Two of the tentacle-branches came out now, waving smaller tendrils at Jack, who took another step closer. Ianto and Gwen were standing behind him, Rhys behind Gwen.

Jack was switching languages now, his words translating across Ianto's screen.

"-eally a great place, Earth. Haven't met most non-homonid life forms yet, but they're pretty flexible here."

Ianto sighed as Jack waggled his eyebrows. The alien could probably be moved into the hothouse without too much trouble, but the artificial light there probably weren't powerful enough to replace the sun if the plant was anything like large Earth plants.

The tentacles were poking at Jack's clothes now.

"Artificial covering for temperature derivations. And modesty. It's a human thing."

Jack started unbuttoning his shirt, and the tentacles started exploring, pulling at the cloth.

"Is he-is he _stripping?_ " At least Rhys was whispering this time, The tentacles lifted Jack's undershirt,

"Not all aliens understand clothes, love." Gwen said absently. It was nothing she hadn't seen before.

Jack, meanwhile, was having a great time explaining human anatomy.

"...only two arms, you see, and two legs..."

The tentacles were tracing his motions now, pushing off his shirt. They kept poking his pants awkwardly, clearly confused by the difference in texture from his stomach but unable to figure out the belt.

"...different kind of clothes, see. This bit holds them up..."

"Basic large containment unit, you think?" Gwen asked, looking over his shoulder at the readouts. "We can pick up another UV light on the way home."

"Good idea," Ianto agreed.

"...shoes can come off too. See, skin feels like this nearly all over..."

"C'mon Rhys." Gwen said, pulling her stammering husband away. "We'll show you standard decontamination and transportation procedure."

"Back in five minutes, Jack." Ianto said.

Jack gave him a thumbs-up and continued first-contact procedures. "Yeah, fingers are sort of like toes, but far more tactile, see..."


End file.
